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Facebook, You Suck

July20

I undertook a Facebook fast over a month ago. I was making myself miserable with that thing: obsessively reading everyone’s opinion on every damn thing; not having the strength of character to avoid engaging people on their awful different points of view; ignoring my family, the natural world and God because I had so many worthless articles queued up to read, unable to be alone with myself. There’s more but I’m getting stressed listing it all.

You guys, I’ve been so happy. It’s been so peaceful. When I read about all those Supreme Court rulings, it was so not anxiety-producing. I could just read the news! That was it! I’ve been spending so much time getting offended at people’s offendedness and this whole time I didn’t have to live that way!

I read books. Actual books! Even made of paper! Suddenly the physical world has more appeal. It’s like that’s where existence is or something.

I was a hardcore FB ascetic for a while but I’ve cheated a little bit. I’ve checked in on a couple of friends, I’ve sold some diapers and bought some math books, I’ve gone a few inches down my feed and “liked” whatever good stuff I found at the top. I posted about my baby’s birthday and that was lovely.

I know you normal people can do moderation and maybe I can to, I don’t know. But I found myself commenting on someone’s post today, then going back ten minutes later and deleting it because of the anxiety it left in the pit of my stomach. I’m always fighting that compulsion to comment on controversy, and then waiting scared for someone to get mad at me. It’s messed up. I don’t have the constitution for this.

So. For now, I guess I’ll keep doing little drive-by lurks. Make sure I don’t miss any new babies, that kind of thing. But I’ve got to be careful.

I’ve really liked being happy.

Today in Parenting “News”

February17

Every now and then, I’ll scroll through the articles on the Yahoo parenting site. I can’t do it all the time; they can be pretty inane. Today I’m going to sum up the latest news for you based on the headlines alone. Because they probably won’t get more informative anyway.

Woman Expecting Triplets Births Four Babies Instead

Andy told me about this one yesterday in the midwife’s office, after I confirmed I was nowhere near big enough to have more than one in me. He said they were all of them non-fertility treatment related and, in fact, identical, which is so insanely rare. Doesn’t the thought of this just make your life seem easier? I mean, really, you’re not going to go grocery shopping with four infants. They don’t even make carts that big. Could you ever leave the house again? Ohmygoodness, one baby and one toddler seems like a walk in the park now!

8 Things I Want to Teach My Kids About Being Happy

There’s a version of this useless meaningful article ever day. I bet you could figure this one out yourself. Let me guess: happiness is a choice, happiness is not something you need someone else to provide. Blah blah blah 6 more things like that.

10 Presidential Baby Names

There’s a version of this article every day too. 8 Olympic-Inspired Baby Names. 6 Names Inspired by This Thing You Like. Basically that. Look, if you like a TV show, or country music, I think you can figure out these things without clicking through a list.

What Happens to Parents When You Have Too Many Snow Days

This one is probably funny. I see a lot of posts when bloggers have their kids home more than they were expecting, and they all sound crazy. It makes me stop and think about my inclination to homeschool. They’d be there EVERY. DAY.

Barbie Graces Cover of “Sports Illustrated,” Mom Wants Apology

First, I don’t think magazine titles go in quotes; second, I think that comma should be a colon or semicolon.

Woman Breastfeeds Puppy to Save Its Life

I don’t even know what to do with that one.

Is It Poor Etiquette to Have Second or Third Baby Showers?

In most cases, I believe so. I’m sure there are exceptions for unusual circumstances. That being said, no woman should ever turn down a party if it’s offered, amiright?

Study Says Moms aren’t as Annoying on Facebook as Everyone Thinks

I wonder what fine institution devoted research to this.

6 Baby Name Pet Peeves

Oooh, let me do mine! 1. Names spelled differently than the traditional. Jaxston is going to have a hard time. 2. “Boy” names on girls. I know this is just me and I think you have every right to name your kid anything you want. I just like to be able to tell gender with a name. I’m so old-fashioned. Though I’m sure it works out better for the gender confused kids to have a more flexible name. 3. Names made of made-up syllables that sound nice. Oh, man, I’m such a cranky bitch. I should stop now.

Doctors Find 44-Year-Old Fetus in Woman, 84

I’m fighting hard not to click on this one. It sounds like it belongs on a tabloid cover with the breastfed puppy.

A Message to My Daughter: Don’t Be a “Good Girl”

Many articles like this every day. I agree with what I assume the message is: don’t let people take advantage of you because you think you’re supposed to be “nice.” I think of the stories I’ve read of children brought up in scary fundamentalist churches who were so indoctrinated with the respect of elders and male hierarchy that they didn’t even know “no” was an option when they were sexually assaulted. That’s the extreme, of course.

Tech Savvy Tots Can Use Smartphones Before Writing Their Name

First of all: duh. Writing is a very complex motor skill that comes years later. Smartphones require tapping and swiping. It’s all okay. Also, it should be “Names” plural.

5 Books About Love to Read to Your Toddler

The picture is of Love You Forever, the creepiest parental love book ever. I’m not going near this article.

Is It Wrong to Call Daycare “School?”

Who cares?

Male Lawmakers Want to Make Breastfeeding Mandatory for Baby’s First Two Years

I’d like to assume this craziness is exaggerated/taken out of context just to make us read this article. But then a lot of craziness comes out of male lawmakers when it comes to women’s special parts. I’m going to assume they simultaneously want to ban public nursing. Just to make it extra-special.

One Mom’s Controversial Approach to Getting Her Kid to Sleep

When it comes to sleep, I can’t imagine there’s anything left that’s controversial. Anyone who’s been in the trenches isn’t going to care if she’s bribing her kid, cuddling her 8-year-old, or letting her toddler cry about it. You can’t surprise me!

I can’t take anymore. I’m tired. But now you know, you don’t have to read content ever!