Browsing Zachary

This C. S. Lewis Quote Saved My Parenting Sanity

March2

When Zach was fairly new, I was miserable. Not seriously, not dangerously, just kind of…normally…miserable. It’s hard. Babies are hard. And, look, I had the easiest pregnancies, births, and babies in the world, and it was too, too much. I can’t even imagine if I’d had difficulties on top of the normal.

Babies are all the time. If you do get a break, it’s not relaxing, because you know at any second you could be needed again. Finally ready for Netflix at the end of the night? Too bad. Go do another 45 minutes upstairs. Exhausted beyond measure? Don’t go to bed, because then tomorrow will come ALL THE SOONER. Did you just spend a week so sad that every time you smiled at your baby you were faking it? BAD MOM YOU DIDN’T CHERISH EVERY MOMENT.

Ahem. Where was I? I remember one night in particular upstairs, nursing Zach to sleep, just in the middle of the Hard of It All. And I thought, everyone’s right. I’ll be much happier if I stop having kids. These two will get older and I can do more for me as soon as that happens. I can relax. I can have fun. I can write, and teach, and act, or whatever it is I used to do when I was a person. I matter too. I should be happy.

And then C. S. Lewis’ voice popped into my head. Or rather Anthony Hopkins, because it was the version of Lewis from the movie Shadowlands. And he said, “I don’t think God particularly wants us to be happy. I think he wants us to love, and be loved.”

What, dude?

I mean, that’s kind of dicky, God doesn’t care if we’re happy. I mean, Follow Your Bliss, right? Live Your Dreams.

But the weird thing was, as soon as this quote popped into my head, I felt free. I could breathe. I didn’t have to feel happy this minute. I didn’t have to feel happy this week. Having a hard time didn’t prove I was living the wrong life. In fact, I’d been thinking about “happy” all wrong. I’d been thinking, if only life were easier, I’d be happy. But my life had been easier. Before I had kids. Before I married Andrew. But I wasn’t happier. I wouldn’t choose that life over the one I have now for anything in the world.

Babies are hard.

Everything worth doing is hard.

“I think he wants us to love, and be loved.” When God talks about “love,” he’s not talking about the warm fuzzies you have for someone that make you feel good. He’s talking about all those little (and big) sacrifices you make for the good of someone else.

Look, I’m not advocating being a living martyr and never doing anything for yourself. If I wasn’t alone at a coffee shop right now, people would be dead. Audrey spent the morning at the top of the stairs, crying, “I WANT TO COME DOWNSTAIRS!” while I yelled back, “THEN WHY AREN’T YOU????” Over and over again.

Oh, man, this. So many days.

Yet something happened a couple of weeks ago that surprised me. I was in the middle of some general insanity I can’t even remember, small people yelling at me, trashing the house, who knows. And I started to pray. This isn’t normal; I rarely think to do something so constructive. And I was ready to beg God for the calm and peace to not duct tape my children to the walls. But that’s not what came out. Instead I heard myself blurting out weepy thanks for my kids, and the chance to live this beautiful life with them and my husband, and that if I could have anything in the world, it would be more of this sacred insanity.

Screw easy. Let’s do love.

 

posted under Audrey, faith story, God, Zachary | Comments Off on This C. S. Lewis Quote Saved My Parenting Sanity

Zachary’s First Birthday

July18

My little bitty baby that I just had…

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…is one year old.

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He drives cars now.

Sigh.

We made him a cake. This is Andrew hammering some hard candy for my sugar sculpture (I’m making that sound fancier than it is.)

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We made jokes about playing Candy Crush. Mostly me. Andrew mostly didn’t laugh. Cause I’m not funny.

This was the cake. (All the pics from here on out are my dad’s. He’s awesome.)

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It’s a campfire! Cause it was a cowboy birthday. (This is totally what cowboys do, right?)

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Sure they do.

This is me awkwardly reading a blessing (off my phone) for my beautiful child. I wasn’t so much awkward in real life as awkward in my head cause I feel like I’ll never get used to acting like a religious person out loud. If that makes sense.

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But these babies made the sacred all obvious in my life, so that’s what I do now.

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I’m all full of sloppy emotion over this boy. My sister-in-law was all, “It was hard when my last baby turned one too,” and I said, “Last?!?!? Oh, no, if I thought about it that way, I’d be much worse. I haven’t given up hope yet!!!!

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Love you, baby boy. May you enjoy many, many more happy trips around the sun.

 

 

 

 

It’s Pictures Again

July15

Since we last talked…

Fourth of July.

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Zachary had his first Zoo train ride that he could really appreciate.

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Audrey learned how to do this.

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Zachary learned how to do this.

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And tomorrow he’s one year old.

I have a lot to say but have lost the urge to talk quite so much. Well, type so much. I still talk a lot. Maybe soon. Got to go watch The Jim Gaffigan Show. I’m very excited about that.

posted under Audrey, husband, TV, Zachary | Comments Off on It’s Pictures Again

Adorable Pictures, Part 428

July2

Continuing the long on pictures/short on content blog series (apparently), here: we splashed in the kiddie pool this week.

 

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Admit it, that’s more interesting than my thoughts on the Supreme Court, right?

posted under Audrey, Zachary | Comments Off on Adorable Pictures, Part 428

You Could Die From Such Cute

June29

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Seriously.

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Whut? You’re adorable.

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I. Can’t. Stand. It.

 

Audrey and I took a trip down the party aisle at Hobby Lobby for first birthday inspiration and I had an unnatural compulsion toward the cowboy stuff. There was nothing I could do. It had to be a cowboy party. So I did this to him, made my dad take pictures, and put that squishy cuteness on the invites. (I didn’t need invites, it’s just a family party, what is wrong with me….)

A couple more weeks till I have a one-year-old.

Whaaaat?

posted under Zachary | 3 Comments »

Fiber Cannon

June16

Baby eats bananas.

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Baby gags on bananas.

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I’m not supposed to find that hilarious, right? It’s just that I’ve gotten used to him gagging on everything, since he was tiny and sticking fingers too far down his throat. I’m always vigilant and a tiny bit terrified, but mostly just resigned to it.

Posting from the pediatrician’s parking lot. We’re early, baby’s napping, so we’re biding time. Audrey is checking out the state map. Audrey’s about to get checked out for constipation. We’ve always had some difficulty with poop, but we may have gotten to a bad place. I’m extremist, so we’ve cut all dairy from our cheesy diet, and putting better things in her. Her body was never into it anyway, though her soul sure was. Must dissent from Big Dairy propaganda and be healthier! (See, I’m extremist.) (For now.)

I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom from Andy when I was pregnant with Audrey:

“Keep that fiber cannon loaded!”

 

posted under Audrey, food, husband, pregnancy, Zachary | Comments Off on Fiber Cannon

Hi! Are you out there?

June11

It’s my first day off Facebook for the summer! It felt a little like a vacation, but that was probably because my mom was here. I’ve got to say, it’s pretty peaceful. Now, I haven’t magically found a whole bunch of time yet, so I’m only writing what I can get out on my phone while putting the baby to sleep. Which means screw content, here are pics I found in my phone from the last month!

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Aw.

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Oh, AWWWWW.

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Radiant child.

She’s decided I’m allowed to play with her hair now, because two braids are like Anna hair and one braid is like Elsa hair. I’ll take it.

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I know, super profound, right? It’ll get better. Hey, if you’re out there and reading this, would you comment? I’d love to feel like I’m still in contact with the world.

Later!

posted under Audrey, Zachary | 2 Comments »

Uh…

August5

I had a baby. I don’t know how I’ll ever get a post written again.

 

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