School’s Out For…ever?


It’s Tuesday. Normally, Aud would have gone to preschool this morning but last week was the last week. Out for the summer. Maybe forever. She has no concept of that.

We chucked her into this program at the last second, about a week or two after the session started last fall. Put in her application when I was having a really hard time. Did it solely for my benefit: 6 hours a week (out of 168) to be off-duty.

And then we saw that it was the awesomest thing for her. She was delighted to be there. She spent hours outside. She painted. She pretended to be wild animals. She came home singing new songs and talking about cleaning up her toys. She said “please” and “thank you” and “sorry” more often. She talked about the other kids and her teachers all the time. She did a million things I’ll never even know about and it’s so crazy that she’s had this life of her own already.

Sometimes she’d get mad at me for taking her home!

But. It costs money. Not a ton, but enough. We don’t need it: I get to stay home with my progeny. Sometimes it’s actually a pain to get ourselves somewhere at a certain time, especially if the weather really blows, and I imagine it’s less fun when you’re carting around an infant too. So. We’re not continuing right now.

Picked her up Thursday, her last day, and her teacher gave me her “portfolio.” Just a thin binder of some stuff she did, but it made me get all weepy and I only sort of stammered out a “Thank you for everything you did for her,” before I ran.


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What It’s Like to Talk to Me


I’ve run out of baby things to obsess about, so I’ve had to cast my net a bit wider lately.

Hey, Andy! I say. You’re going to think I’m crazy.


But I’ve got about 4 good reasons I’d like to, maybe, start with the cloth diapers in the hospital instead of waiting until we come come.

Long stare.

No, I know it seems like extra work for no reason, but hear me out. First, those babies go from aquatic living to land-dwelling in a second. Do you remember how dry Audrey’s skin was? So putting our boy in something designed to suck moisture from his skin would just be uncomfortable for him. I don’t want him to be any more uncomfortable than he has to be. It’ll just make more work for us!


And you know how doctors and nurses are so obsessed with how much output the kid has? They’re all, how many wet diapers a day? And I’m all, how do you measure? You could leave a disposable on for a half hour or half the day and it would be, you know, one wet diaper. But with cotton on his butt, you know.


Also, it would be all the more hospital disposables we could stash in our bags to use for emergencies later.


And fourth. It would give your crazy wife one random thing to have control over in a situation that will be full of a lot on unknowns.


Think about it!

End of conversation.



You know how each time your kid does something crazy and annoying, you have to decide: is this the mountain I want to die on? Well, here are the things mine’s doing lately that I’m not sure are worth battling over or not:

Crawling into the dryer. Yeah, it sounds like an awful thing to let her do but, then again, I’m not going to accidentally run a cycle. It would be pretty obvious when I throw clothes in there that the space was already occupied by a nearly yard-tall person.

Ditching her sun hat forty times in a row. If I make the threat that we’ll go inside if she doesn’t keep it on, she puts it on, but I’m making the threat constantly and it’s getting old. However, she is a very fair little duck and I don’t want her playing fast and loose with the sun.

Transporting all the gravel to the patio. Just, why? 



I mean, I know why. I know that moving small objects from one place to another is what 2-year-olds live for.  That and pouring liquid from one vessel to another, sometimes via the mouth, stop spitting your water in my coffee, weirdo.

Playing with my phone. I’ve always been half-assed about how forbidden to make it, mostly because being consistent would occupy my every waking minute for some time. But she’s learned how to unlock my new phone already and keeps bringing it to me with Andy’s contact page open – “It’s my Daddy!” Oh, well. Look, if she calls you, I’m sorry, and I hope it’s a nice conversation.


posted under Audrey, husband | Comments Off on Laissez-faire

Here’s What


I’ve been trying to come up with a coherent post for a while but my brain is too scattered to put forth the effort. So I’ll just tell you random stuff.

Our little angel has started to turn on us. Audrey’s just…more. Today was the first time she started running away from me and I couldn’t bring her back with idle threats. I actually had to haul my pregnant self down the block after her, while she laughed. Look, I know this is normal and a lot of you deal with it all the time, but it just started here. More going limp when I ask her to go somewhere. More drama and tears. Peeing in places not sanctioned for pee. Throwing toys and whacking Mommy. Again, normal, I know, but she was so easy a minute ago!

Yet she just willingly ate zucchini, carrots, and red pepper in a microwave Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers meal, so…?

I can’t get behind a name for the baby. I had to talk Andy into my tenth choice, but I still liked it a lot and it’s the only thing we’ve agreed on BUT I keep feeling that grass-is-always-greener-surely-there’s-something-perfect-out-there feeling and I don’t love the name anymore and I’m frustrated because there is no magical name that will be everything to both of us. I may not name him.

I’m less panicky about him coming out now, though, after great meetings with my midwife and new doula. I feel okay about everything in that regard right now, which is a nice place to be. And on that note, let me try to sell you on midwives and doulas. You don’t need to be crunchy to use them. You don’t have to want to do it “naturally” to use them. They can support whatever you want to do, make it all less scary, and put as much in your control as your baby allows! Please ask me questions if you have any!

Audrey had her first checkup in 6 months yesterday. She had a great time at the doctor’s office – was just a little sunbeam – until the shots. She is suddenly at a different age than she ever was before because she was horrified. Long after the physical pain was gone, the pain of being so wronged remained. Every time she looked at those little circle bandages, she burst out with fresh tears. “I don’ yike da pokey pokey!” Oh, poor kid. It was rough. Enjoy another when you turn three, kid!

I seem to have stopped doing stuff. I don’t cook because it’s work and no food sounds good anyway. Unless maybe it’s Taco Bell. I haven’t cleaned the kitchen because I feel weak and tingly-fingered and pathetic. It took all my energy to go to Target today and that’s my happy place. Nothing is set up for the baby yet, cause I have time, right? But less energy every day. I’m 31 weeks pregnant. Andy may be screwed for a while.

posted under Audrey, husband, pregnancy | Comments Off on Here’s What

Exit Strategy


My boy child is very busy in utero, sometimes surprisingly so. Yesterday, I squealed at a sudden jab and said, “The baby’s really moving!” Audrey poked her head around the corner and said, “He’s out?”

Ha. No, darling. Not by a long shot. I’ve told her we still have a while to wait and I’ve started trying to explain that I’ll go to a hospital to get him out. There’s just no way to convey what a process it is!

I met my new doula (yay!) on Monday and when she asked if Audrey would be along for the birth, I just had to say hellz nah. While I would love for Aud to have a slightly more concrete idea of where the baby is coming from, I don’t feel I put on the most calm and educational show in labor. I do not want to freak her out.

So I’ve been nervous about a few aspects of labor. I’m going to spare you the squishy details and today obsess over the very basic and essential, When Do You Know You’re in Labor???

Have you noticed on TV, when a woman goes into labor, she’s just going through her normal daily activities when suddenly she grasps her belly, looks up meaningfully, and says, “It’s time”?

What bullshit.

I spent an entire day wondering if I was in labor with Audrey and then another night only knowing I was not in labor enough to get to go to the hospital. When I finally just begged to go in, consistent contractions be damned, it turned out I only had 3 hours to spare.

Which was fine for a lot of reasons – no long time at the hospital means no time to think about drugs and no time for staff to get antsy and want to do something – but here’s the thing: second labors are notoriously faster than firsts. Like maybe twice as fast. So now I’m nervous. If I go in long before my midwife thinks I should, will I just end up being sent home a dozen times? Or spend way longer laboring at the hospital than I want to and get burned out faster? But if I wait for proper signs of progressed-enough labor, will I have a kid on my living room carpet?


Stuff to harass my midwife and doula about next time I see them.

Y’all out there! How did you know when to go to the hospital?

posted under Audrey, pregnancy, TV | 2 Comments »